If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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