Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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