All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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