did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
