A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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