The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
