i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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