I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
