I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
