dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
