My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
