i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
