it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
