he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
