Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
