is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
