Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
