and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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