mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
