so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
