I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
