Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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