Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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