i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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