Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize