At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
