come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
