She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
