weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
