i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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