I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
