dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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