so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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