new low.... made out with someone while peeing
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
