I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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