Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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