After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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