Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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