Don't make out with my wife yet
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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