Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
