Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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