New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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