So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
