tonight lets celebrate not being married
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
