oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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