Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
