If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
