The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
