Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Still dying that you shit outside
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
