AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
