is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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