just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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