Where is the hickey?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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