The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
