i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
