just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Soap is not a condiment
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
