Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
