this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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