I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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